Monday, February 21, 2011

Who wants a catheter?

I'm watching a little late night television and an advertisement comes on between the pockets of the nauseating Ben Affleck movie I am subjecting myself to in the hopes that it will induce vomiting, asphyxiation and as a result I will pass out into a deep slumber. I am jolted far away from the sleep I seek by the content on the screen.

The ad is for catheters.

Now, I was never one to buy things off television but surely even the most avid dial-and-spend, home shopping network granny is not going to take them up on this offer. Then again, the website is offering me up to 200 catheters a month for little or no out of pocket expense. WELL HOLY PISS! SIGN ME UP!

Just think of the possibilities, NAY pissabilities! 

I'll never have to miss a goal, touchdown, or advertisement offering free catheters again. I could daisy chain the catheters and then form a charitable foundation naming it, Piss Across America. I'll never have to leave the theater mid-film, never have to search for a restroom and I'll never have to buy straws again. Should I be chased by a mad swarm of killer bees I can dive into the nearest body of water, tear out my catheter and use it as a slightly salty yet perfect bee proof snorkel!

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I've made it this far without 200 free catheters a month.
Let me do the math. 200 catheters a month equals 2400 catheters a year which means I can use 6.5 catheters a day. With the multitude of uses I'll have to budget wisely but I think I can make it. 

I see one major drawback.

I'll never be able to screen calls and use the excuse that I was in the washroom. I know what you're thinking. I could say I was in there dropping a deuce but I'm also willing to bet that there's a sister site called which would ruin that excuse because if you're already getting the catheter...

Friday, February 11, 2011

Funny Things My Kid Says.

Me: Miete, why don't we eat the red berries on this plant.
Miete: Because they can be poisonous.
Me: Did you know birds can eat them? Animals can eat things we can't and we can eat some things that animals can't. Chocolate is poisonous for dogs.
Miete: Just like Brussel Sprouts are poisonous to me.

Miete: Daddy where were you this morning?
Me: I was surfing.
Miete: Did you see whale poop in the water?

Miete (copying me): Ahhhhhh crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Hahahahah! I said crap.

Miete: Daddy, you tell Adam that I put some animals on my bed so he has someone to sleep with when he's here. We shopped for lots of toilet paper because Adam poops a lot.

Me: You can't go on that ride yet. Not till you're older and bigger.
Miete: Just like how I can drink coffee and beer when I'm older.

Miete (from the bathroom): Hey guys, I pooped and it looks like a mountain!

Miete: I have a bah-gina and Callum has a bah-gina.
Me: Callum's a boy sweety, he has a penis.
Miete: But you're a boy and you have a bah-gina.