Monday, February 21, 2011

Who wants a catheter?

I'm watching a little late night television and an advertisement comes on between the pockets of the nauseating Ben Affleck movie I am subjecting myself to in the hopes that it will induce vomiting, asphyxiation and as a result I will pass out into a deep slumber. I am jolted far away from the sleep I seek by the content on the screen.

The ad is for catheters.

Now, I was never one to buy things off television but surely even the most avid dial-and-spend, home shopping network granny is not going to take them up on this offer. Then again, the website is offering me up to 200 catheters a month for little or no out of pocket expense. WELL HOLY PISS! SIGN ME UP!

Just think of the possibilities, NAY pissabilities! 

I'll never have to miss a goal, touchdown, or advertisement offering free catheters again. I could daisy chain the catheters and then form a charitable foundation naming it, Piss Across America. I'll never have to leave the theater mid-film, never have to search for a restroom and I'll never have to buy straws again. Should I be chased by a mad swarm of killer bees I can dive into the nearest body of water, tear out my catheter and use it as a slightly salty yet perfect bee proof snorkel!

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I've made it this far without 200 free catheters a month.
Let me do the math. 200 catheters a month equals 2400 catheters a year which means I can use 6.5 catheters a day. With the multitude of uses I'll have to budget wisely but I think I can make it. 

I see one major drawback.

I'll never be able to screen calls and use the excuse that I was in the washroom. I know what you're thinking. I could say I was in there dropping a deuce but I'm also willing to bet that there's a sister site called which would ruin that excuse because if you're already getting the catheter...

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